You're doing it again...

Once again I find myself in a position of taking on the responsibility for someone elses emotions. The blame for their state is shifted onto me because of a perceived sadness, but I realize that I am sad because of their state.

The contradictory nature of this intrigues me. I can't shift blame onto them for my perceived sadness. I just know that when I'm not around them I am not sad - except for my perception of being ignored which is blamed on my sadness.

So - am I blaming them? Am I holding them responsible for my state? Methinks that I need to get a grip on this before it gets out of control. I'm getting a handle on a lot of things in my life, but this one seems to repeat. It is self perpetuating in a most disturbing way.

I need to push through and prove my theory. I've been working on maintaining my state of happiness and well being in their presence, but it doesn't seem to affect their reaction to me. If this is the case then their excuse of my sadness causing the issue is false. No?

Love your fate. This is ringing in my head. Why do I know the wind should blow? Because it's blowing. Here we go. Obviously I am in the midst of another lesson. Let me not linger so long on the solution that it all falls apart again.

SOC

A few years ago someone handed me a copy of a book called The Artist’s Way. I didn’t get any further than the part about “Morning Pages” and I don’t even really remember any of the detail about them. Something about stream of consciousness and emptying your head of all the stuff that takes up your attention. I have decided to start doing it again. During a period of heavy stress I quit doing it, and I remember believing that it was very helpful at the time.
This time however I am going to do something a little different. Perhaps even unusual. I’m going to do it left handed. I’m a semi ambidextrous righty. My righ handed script has always received a lot of compliments. My left handed script? Well – I think it looks better than a lot of peoples normal handwriting. I think I should do some little kid exercises, too. I should buy one of those blank books with the huge dotted lines on them for making letters.
While this is partially for my own amusement – it’s also an experiment of sorts for me. I’m wondering if will make me think differently. I’m wondering if it will activate more of my right brain and strengthen that part of my thought processes.
I’d like to be able to jump back and forth between right and left handed processes. I’ve also noticed some weakness in my left hand.
There are things that I already do with both. Like spinning fiber. I switch back and forth between hands when one gets tired. Writing seems to require the most fine motor skill as far as I can tell. I could be wrong and am open to that. But I’ve always wanted to strengthen my skill writing with my left hand.
I won’t push too fast. I just got done writing a single sticky note with my left hand and it kind of made my wrist and elbow hurt – and my hand kind of tired. Still – it’s a start. And what did I say the other day? JUST DO IT. That is the only secret to accomplishing ANYTHING. I’m really trying to hold onto that concept. My only obstacle at the moment is time. It all seems to be eaten up with everything else. If I could figure out how to drive and write at the same time I’d be onto something.
I feel terrible that I missed NaNoWriMo this year. I really wanted to write. And last year I only wrote a little. This isn’t working very well. What I really SHOULD be doing is editing what I have. I keep having disabling thoughts though about my second book. About the fact that it is such a sharp right turn from the first. Way off track. I need to find the word that Boots used on it. And I need to start working on my bacon story again. Especially now that I know that sometimes the smell of bacon is a warning. Even weirder now that I am raising pigs.
Ooo. That reminds me. I need to get back to reading the compassionate carnivore. Right after I’m done doing laundry, right? Eh. I need to dedicate an hour to reading and an hour to writing every day – or I’m never going to get anywhere. How I’m going to fit this in with a full time job, two teenagers, two hours of commuting, and going back to school I’ll never know. Jeanne says you just have to keep doing it. Even if you never sleep you just keep doing it.
I need to shower more often too. I don’t know why that falls so far off my radar in the winter. I think it has something to do with being cold. Not wanting to be cold. But my hair looks a mess lately and I think that people can tell that I’ve been falling apart. This is of course completely understandable considering…
I don’t know why they think that you can’t do stream of consciousness after being awake a few hours. I’ll start doing it when I wake up again though. This means getting my ass up a little earlier and doing it maybe in the bathroom – or the kitchen. Ehhh. I’ll figure it out.

For Codie

Our individuality is all, all, that we have. There are those who barter it for security, those who repress it for what they believe is the betterment of the whole society, but blessed in the twinkle of the morning star is the one who nurtures and rides it, in grace and love and wit, from peculiar station to peculiar station along life's bittersweet route.
Tom Robbins (1936 - ), Jitterbug Perfume

Tom Robbins on the Afterlife

...to emphasize the afterlife is to deny life. To concentrate on Heaven is to create hell. In their desperate longing to transcend the disorderliness, friction, and unpredictability that pesters life; in their desire for a fresh start in a tidy habitat, germ-free and secured by angels, religious multitudes are gambling the only life they may ever have on a dark horse in a race that has no finish line."
Tom Robbins (1936 - ), _Skinny Legs and All_, 1990, p. 305.

Death...

Death tugs at my ear and says, "Live, I am coming."

- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr., poet, novelist, essayist, and physician (1809-1894)

"Just Do It"

As far as I can tell Nike has given the best advice on doing anything.

That's right.

ANYTHING.

It occurs to me every once in a while - in this very transient way that I can't ever seem to hold on to - that the only way to accomplish ANYTHING is...

that's right...

"JUST DO IT"

Everyone it seems always gets hung up in the details. They see other people doing something and they think - I wonder how they learned to do that. They think that those people have some innate ability that allows them to do things. The truth is that the only difference between people who are doing things and people who aren't is the DOING IT part.

Now, I understand that DOING IT isn't the same as DOING IT WELL. This creates that whole other state of mind where you are prevented from DOING IT because you are afraid of DOING IT WRONG. There is no wrong. Mistakes are how we learn. Necessity being the mother of invention - you just keep doing it until you get it right.

This doesn't mean that you won't need a little help. Books, classes, teachers, and mentors are all brilliant ways of getting better. But DON'T PUT THE CART BEFORE THE HORSE. You aren't going to find those things until you are DOING IT. Lack of a class doesn't keep your from drawing a picture. You may think that you don't have a sketchbook and an implement - but I will argue that if all else fails you have your finger and the dust on top of whatever else it is you aren't doing. No fingers? Try a toe. None of those? Your nose. If you have none of these you must be an incredibly driven person to continue on anyway and I'm sure you are smart enough to find something.

Music? Ok. Sometimes a lack of instrument can be a hindrance. And lack of money can make that even harder. But music is music folks. Start with the basics - notes. Learn to recognize them. Sing a song. Tap your feet. Whistle. Snap. Drum on your dashboard. Oi. The possibilities are endless.

Don't just sit there - DO SOMETHING!

There is no time like the present - and if you are sitting there trying to figure out how to DO IT instead of actually DOING IT you are wasting time. DO IT. The rest will come.

Really.

JUST DO IT.

thoughtful on this...

So this is how liberty dies. With thunderous applause.
George Lucas, Senator Amidala in Star Wars: Episode III: Revenge of the Sith (2005)
US movie director & screenwriter (1944 - )

"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be."
~Douglas Adams

Tongue vs. Sword

Be a craftsman in speech that thou mayest be strong, for the strength of one is the tongue, and speech is mightier than all fighting.
~ Maxims of Ptahhotep

Quote of the Day

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
~ Jack Handey

Unfortunately, this is probably closer to the truth than we would like to think.

**Required Daily Values (for life at this pace)

This morning I drank a big cup of coffee to wake up.

I took a 5HTP to lift my mood.

I took a multivitamin to meet my nutritional needs.

I took three Super Lysine+ to boost my immune system and prevent cold sores (and yes it really works).

Then I drank a Brain Toniq to increase my focus.

It strikes me occasionally that my life moves at an unnatural pace. I know I'm not alone here.

Sometimes though, I wish that instead:

1. When I am tired I could stay in bed.
2. When I'm sad I had time to sit with it.
3. When I'm hungry I could stop and have a healthy meal.
4. When I'm sick I could stay home.
5. When I can't focus I could stop what I'm doing.

Each of these products when examined individually make me think - WOW! I'm so glad that there is something out there that can get me over the hump. But this morning, when I realized how many different things I was putting in my body to cope with my day - well...

It's a little distressing.

Remember

i just saw two co-workers
both of them were sickeningly sweet
really really super nice to me
and all i could think when i got back to my office
was how much i hate the people i work with

a long time ago someone i know told me the following:
if i think that one person is an asshole,
they probably are.
if i think everyone's an asshole,
it's probably me.